As I sit here, I never could have imagined I would need to write this post. Or that I would be starting the process that I’m going through now. Even just 6 months ago, I would have told you that the whole idea was crazy. However, I am getting a divorce.
Chloe and I admitted in to each other in February that we were not working out. Trying to stay in a relationship was making us both miserable. And even worse, neither of us wanted to hurt the other by saying that our marriage was no longer working. Looking back, we could have saved each other some emotional pain if we had just admitted to all of this at the beginning of January.
In the past few months since that night, we have become roommates and luckily our home allows for separate bedrooms. Moving forward, we would like to stay friends. Overall, the dynamic between us has improved greatly since our choice to separate. I do still care about her and it’s my hope that we can stay friends. She and her family have been awesome to me over the past 7 years.
I would like to make it clear that I do not hate her or blame her for our marriage ending. Yes, I am sad about it. Yes, I have cried over it, a lot actually. And I have to fight back the tears when someone asks how things are going. But I truly wish her the best of luck moving forward in her transition.
Overall, I’m doing okay. I have more good days now than bad days. January 2014 was probably the hardest month for me in recent memory. Realizing (and accepting) that your marriage is failing is a hard concept to grasp in a normal situation. Now combine that with feeling like you completely lost the person you love (even though they are still standing in front of you) because they didn’t want anything to do with the person they were before starting the process to transition.
Moving forward, I’m in an interesting place in my life. I have never actually been on my own and had to provide for myself. Because of this, I have had to set my business aside that I have been building for the past year. One, because I can’t financially support myself on it. 2, I don’t have the emotional energy to keep pushing through that right now. I need to refocus, and get on a path to provide the basics for myself, before I can even think about returning to that. I may, however, start an Etsy.com account to create things as I have time.
I’m not sure how many more posts I’ll make on this blog. I think I will make a few more posts, documenting some of the divorce process. In Washington State, once you file the papers, there is minimum period of 90 days before it can be finalized. There is a lot to figure out on our end.
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So a week ago, Chloe made the choice to be in girl mode, while she was off from work (Christmas/New Year’s Break – She’s a College Instructor). This meant that when we went down to visit my family for Christmas, Chloe was going to not look like the person they saw last at Thanksgiving.
Now, my family has known for about 2 months now, and they did step up & purchase gender-appropriate gifts, and I am super proud of them for that. Some family members took to the Chloe/She pronouns quite quickly, while other stumbled with her old name, but we both know that there is some time needed to adjust. Come Christmas morning, all of her gifts where labeled ‘To Chloe’ and they were all perfect, nail polish sets, a light-up mirror, plus many other things she needed. Overall it was a pleasant experience and I’m glad we visited my family. I know I am lucky to have a family that has jumped on board so quickly, in terms of accepting Chloe for who she is.
Over the past week, Chloe is slowly getting better at her makeup, and a big thanks to my sister for showing her how to do her eyeliner. She’s also getting faster at applying it. Although usually for her to get ready in the morning, it takes a couple hours (showering, makeup, etc). So far she’s topped out at 3 hours. She is such a girly-girl and of course everything has to be perfect.
Now the last week hasn’t come without any struggles. Don’t get me wrong, I love that she is passing so well in public and strangers are correctly identifying her as a lady. I love that she is happy and confident. But it all feels like things are moving so fast still. I mean, just about 3 months ago, I found out about her being transgender. And she’s only been on hormones for going into the 9th week. I just wish she would let things happen naturally, and not rely on a wig or faux boobs to make her look like a woman, even if they help her feel like the woman inside. I’m worried that she is setting false expectations to what her body will actually be like after the hormones do what they are going to do. And that this will lead to her not liking her body, the way it becomes. But only time will tell if my worrying is for nothing.
We are heading to the mall today for a shopping trip, and to visit Sephora for a restock on some products for her, but specifically for this concealer. It works fantastically for covering her hair the grows during the day. So that will be something fun for this afternoon. She really needs to get some more tops, if she wants to keep dressing this way… because she really doesn’t like my clothes. She says they are “librarian chic” which to her is not cute (but apparently they are just not cute for her… yeah there’s nothing quite like feeling that your wife doesn’t like any of your wardrobe)… But whatever. I like the way I dress, and that just means she won’t borrow my things often.
Who knows, maybe I’ll buy a little something for myself today… yeah. I probably will.
P.S. Chloe is feeling like she is ready to start video blogging, so keep an eye out for when we launch our joint video blog.
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The last few days have been amazing and overwhelming, all at the same time.
Chloe and I are still amazed at the response we are getting. There is still so much love coming our way, and for that, we thank you. I could not be more proud of my family and friends. As I mentioned on my twitter the other day, my family is trying really hard to buy gender appropriate Christmas gifts for Chloe, because they don’t want to offend her. Big props to them, mainly for accepting Chloe for who she now. I know not all families can accept it when their son or daughter tells them that their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend is transgender. However, I am lucky to have been met with support from them. Chloe is still welcome in their homes. To family dinners. To celebrations. I know this isn’t always the case with others who are with a transitioning person, and because of that I feel incredibly lucky.
Yesterday, I noticed that Chloe has posted a new blog entry, so I clicked to read. This entry didn’t come as a surprise, as I knew about the events she writes about. What I wasn’t expecting, was the entry from Sunday evening. In it, she questions if anyone, including myself, would be let standing with her at the end of her transition. I instantly burst into tears. Not because I was sad, or that I thought it was true, but I wondered, ‘How could she even think that I wouldn’t still be here?’ If I even had any doubt about our marriage not working, I would have left when she told me two months ago. I would have taken the ‘easy out’ then, and guess what? No one would have judged me for leaving. Instead I chose to stay, risking everything for the person I love. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what being in a relationship is all about?
So guess what Chloe? It’s going to take a lot more than a little ‘bitchiness’ from extra hormones to get rid of me. :p
Coincidentally yesterday, I also found myself in a large group of friends, and this was the first time I was with that many non-family members that knew about what Chloe was doing. I also happened to be without Chloe. So any questions about her or me or us had to be answered by yours truly. I didn’t know what to even expect.
We have known these people for about a year (we are in a car club for our Ford Mustangs) and both Chloe and I have been heavily involved. The catch? Most of the other club members, are older. Like old enough to be my parents or grandparents. From all walks of life, religions, and political views. Because of this, it was hard to predict how they would react. This group of people is not like the friends that we have, that are the same age, and share many of the same views as Chloe and I.
Overall, it seems that I really had nothing to fear.
Before I even got to the meeting, I stopped to grab some dinner and ran into two of the members. I ended up joining their table for dinner. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that they were already using ‘Chloe’ and the female pronouns when speaking to me about her. I could tell they sort of had to think about it, but they didn’t slip up, and what’s more important is that they were trying (and succeeding).
After we ate, we left for the meeting. When I walked into the room, I could feel everyone looking at me. I hate it when I feel like I’m being judged, whether in a good or bad way. I took my seat, in between two of my favorite people. Both of which I knew had seen my facebook post. Now, I know that not everyone in the club has seen my post, or even the one Chloe made on her old account. Once I sat down, one of the members had a little question for me:
Her: ‘So Kayla, what is up with C—-’s nails? Is he exploring his sexuality or something?’
Now this person is always direct about asking things, so I didn’t take her tone of voice as being offensive, nor the fact that she used Chloe’s boy name and male pronouns. But this was the first time someone flat-out asked me about Chloe. I looked down and took a deep breath. I could feel all the eyes in the room on me. I looked her in the eyes and said-
Me: ‘Well, since we made this public on Facebook the other day, C—- is transgender. And she is going to be changing her name to Chloe’
There I said it. Out loud. For anyone in the room to hear.
Her: ‘Okay, I thought it might be something like that.’
She then asked me how I was doing. And we chatted with the other members that where close by before the meeting started. And I’m pretty freaking proud of myself. I didn’t cry. I didn’t back down. I didn’t run away.
I know there is going to be situations where it’s not that easy. Where I will be met with negative energy, and I really am not looking forward to that day. But I know that I don’t have to explain myself or my choices to anyone, and that my true friends will always be there for me. If you’re going to be negative, then you were never my friend to begin with.
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Over the past 24 hours, we have been sent so much love and support from all of our family and friends. People I haven’t spoken to in years are sending their words of support. I seriously have surrounded myself with the best people in the world. I did have a list (in my head) of friends that I thought would be less supportive, mainly due to political views and/or religious views. However, even they have proved to me that love transcends everything. That regardless of personal views, those can be set aside for support and compassion.
So far, my post from Facebook has been liked by 65 people, 30 comments, and tons of private messages (and these numbers keep going up). I have gained friends on Facebook, and lost none that mattered. I shared this post publicly, so I really don’t know how many people have seen it, through their friend liking the post and it popping in their feed. I kind of wish I could see the stats, like on a business page post.
Please enjoy all the kind words that have been sent our way:
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A letter to my friends on Facebook:
This morning, Chloe posted on her old Facebook about being transgender, and inviting her friends and extended family to friend her new account. I decided to do the same, and here is what I posted:
Many of you may have noticed that Chris and I have been keeping to ourselves lately. And that is because, a couple months ago, Chris came to me and told me that he’d never felt right in his own body, and that he’d been seeing doctors for about a month. Chris is a transgender woman, and is taking steps to live as a woman, named Chloe.
Yes, I have decided to stay with her. I love her with all my heart, and I’m so glad that I get to share this with you now. The last couple months have not been easy, but every marriage has there ups and downs. I have learned that I don’t care what her name is or what gender she identifies with, I love her just the same.
I know some of you may not agree with my choice, due to your own religious views or views on how you believe a family should be structured. But think of it this way: I committed my life to being with Chloe when we were married. Many of you attended our beautiful wedding and witnessed our love. Did I plan for this? No. However, please respect that I chose love over the sadness of leaving, getting a divorce and starting over.
From now on, you will see me referring to my wife, instead of my husband. I will be using the name Chloe and female pronouns, instead of Chris. We invite you to do the same, but don’t worry, we know it takes time to adjust so we won’t hold it against you if make a mistake.
We are proud to have both of our families supportive of this, and we have an awesome group of friends that already support us too. For those that cannot support this, un-friend me, because I really don’t care what you think. For those that support us, our marriage, and our love, we thank you for your continued friendship. You can friend Chloe’s new Facebook below.
If you have any questions, feel free to message me.
Thank you everyone who has already shown your support!
Here is Chloe’s Announcement:
Well I am sure some people have noticed I have been off Facebook for a while. Maybe you haven’t does not really matter but in any case thought I should at least let everyone know and give people the chance to know why. Without going into a huge explanation of it ever since I was a little kid I knew something was not right. Which I was right I always thought I was a girl. Which is where some people get confused. In development you sex goes one way mental perception develops later and sometimes goes the opposite way. That’s what happened with me took me years to come to terms with it, I am Trans and I am making the change to become a female, through hormone replacement theory and at some point surgery. Kayla and I have kept this a secret from most people for quite some time now. But it’s time to just be out with it. There are a lot of you that do not know and will most likely see me so instead of dancing around awkward pondering that’s what’s going on. Six more month give or take maybe less and it will be pretty much like being a boy never happened, won’t even be able to tell yay science!
Take it how you want, your either going to still like me or you won’t. If you don’t then that’s just something you gotta deal with. Your happiness with social conformity does not matter to me, only thing that matters is me being happy for once in my life thanks. If you follow me on my new Facebook I’ll take that as you want me to friend you again. Have a happy holiday everyone! And no my Facebook did not get hacked I get that question a lot.
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So, my lovely partner brought to my attention last week that all my posts so far are, well, sad. Oops.
Because I’m not sad right now, and I feel like our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.
I’ve also realized lately, that the person I fell in live with, really has been Chloe all along. Nothing has really changed since she came out to me or when she started HRT. She is happier, calmer, chattier.
At first I was afraid that I was going to lose the person I love, but as it turns out, she was there the whole time, sometimes more than others.
There are somethings she does, that make more sense now, like the way she sits, which is the way she has always sat, legs crossed like the lady she is. Or that she hates body hair, whether it’s her own, or when I decided not to shave my legs for a week.
At the end of the day, I love Chloe, and I wouldn’t change anything about our life right now, or the choices I’ve made in the past. If people can’t accept that, then I don’t need to be friends with them anyway.
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Lately I’m beginning to realize how lucky our relationship is. The internet is full of doom and gloom stories, of transgender people losing everything (family, friends, spouses, children) then they come out. We are lucky that both of our families and all of the friends we have told, are supportive. I can’t imagine going through this alone, whether as a transgender person or, in the position I’m in, as a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Truth be told, sometimes I don’t know what is worse, leaving my partner and starting over again, or the thought of people thinking I’m married to a woman. Now this would be a different story if I were, well, into woman in that way. In the end, always decide that starting over, is the harder choice. I don’t want a divorce or to sell our house. I don’t want to start dating again to find someone else. I’ve had my dream wedding and I married the (wo)man of my dreams. So I will push on, and hopefully show others that this can and will work.
But I do have a lot of unknowns. I don’t know how I will find a woman attractive or how I will be intimate with another woman. But I do know that I love the person in front of me, with all of my heart. I don’t, however, want to be in a marriage with no physical contact. That’s not good for either of us.
For now, we’ll just have to wait and see. Because only time will tell.
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Once upon a time, there was a man and a women. They met in college and fell in love. They married and everything seemed perfect, at least to her. However, he was always dealing with an inner turmoil, that he suppressed from childhood, but it could not be kept hidden any longer. He is actually a she, a Transgender woman.
This is the wife’s story, my story.
I never imagined the man I married, would end up being a women. But I guess I never thought that I had to plan for that. But even with the uncertainty of our future together, we both love each other for who we are, and that’s never been more true in our relationship over the last couple months.
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